The Mirror Technique

The Mirror Technique

Whenever a student makes you angry or frustrated you have just found an issue that needs healing in your own life. Things other people do would not illicit an upsetting emotion within us, if we had acknowledged and accepted the trait within ourselves. For example, if a student never turns in his/her assignments on time and this makes you angry, you need to look within yourself to see what assignments you don't turn in on time! If you simply notice that the student is always late, but it doesn't upset you, then you can remain calm and try to devise a plan to help solve the problem. If it doesn't create a uncomfortable emotion within you, then it's not your issue to heal.

The mirror technique is based on a psychological principle called projection. The things you don't like about yourself and have rejected becomes part of your shadow self. It is there but you can't see it. These traits are then projected onto people around you. In other words, the world becomes your mirror.

When you are extremely upset or angry over something your student (or any one) did, it may be because the incident has resurrected an old pain. You can usually recognize when past events are triggering your reaction because the emotion is often accompanied by a physical sensation, such as a twisting in the gut or the sense that blood is rushing to your head. When that happens, take a time out. Ask yourself the following questions:

  • Why is this making me so upset?
  • Does this remind me of some event in my own childhood?
  • Have I wanted to do something similar but was afraid to?
  • Am I jealous in any way of this child? (This is more common that we like to admit.)
  • Have I done something similar to this in the past and regretted it?
  • Have I done something similar to this and gotten away with it to only feel guilty later?

    Try using the mirror technique (also called projection). When you see something you don't like in someone else, ask yourself if it represents some trait within yourself that you don't like or have rejected. For example, if a child is caught cheating on a test, do you patiently talk to your child to find out why they felt the need to cheat? Or do you overreact, yell, and generally lose control?

    If you overreact, you need to find out why. Ask yourself some questions? Where have you cheated (or wanted to cheat) within your own life? Maybe you cheated on a test when you were in school and were punished severely for it. Or maybe you cheated on your income taxes once, or cheated a friend in a business deal-and never admitted to wrong doing. Have there been times you wanted to cheat but were too scared too?

    Once you understand this technique you will be amazed at what you discover about yourself. (It also works in reverse. If you admire someone else, you also have that trait within yourself. You just may not have discovered it yet.)

    Debbie Ford has written an excellent book which simplifies this mirror technique. In The Dark Side of the Light Chasers she provides many exercises that help to reclaim not only our dark side but our light side as well. She teaches that each unacknowledged trait must be identified, we must find the gift attached (and there is always one), then we must learn to love that part of ourselves. As we do, we can begin to heal.

    Life is a series of lessons that are selected just for us. Each lesson will continue in different forms until we learn the objective. If you are unhappy with your life, you are the only one who can change it. How? The single most important thing you can do is to change your thoughts. I know that it seems so simple, but it's not! It will be the single most difficult thing you ever try to do. (Our thoughts have power that we can only imagine.) I'm not talking about changing your thoughts for a few days, but for a lifetime. There are many excellent books that will explain the importance of thoughts and how they affect your life. Personally I recommend anything by Wayne W. Dyer or Louise Hays. (Managing Your Mind by Gillian Butler, Ph.D. and Tony Hope, M.D. is also an excellent reference.)

    The most precious gift we can give to our children is a childhood as free of emotional pain as possible. It's the most precious gift we can give ourselves as well. Begin today to heal yourself so that you can become whole.